9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
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Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.