Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor