I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
twitter is a journey
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Blew out my flip flop…
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Denise please return my vape pen
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR