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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Hmm, not sure about this change
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I am yelling
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.