i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?