Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Home #decor warning.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.