*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
You Might Also Like
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain