Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!