I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.