Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
SCARY COSTUME
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾