I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.