Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.