[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Who.
Did.
This?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
my retirement plan is braless
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.