crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.