[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”