Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
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The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
The point of your 20s
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
you stereotypes are all alike
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
being a writer on Twitter:
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.