[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
You Might Also Like
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.