If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
A choir of Spring onions
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.