No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”