I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
🙂🐾
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell