“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
new shirt idea
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different