I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
How it started How it’s going
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I hate when that happens.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.