a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.