Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Become ungovernable.