Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.