[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.