Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
#oldknees
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.