me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless