Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.