[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
no one ever comes back
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud