Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.