I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
SF is the wild wild west man