Sign at work today
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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte