My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Yup!
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..