It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
concern
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.