Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
They got Raph!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT