I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
ugh not again
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.