daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
this is the news I live for
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.