If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.