Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️