Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Good advice.