The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
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❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I am HOWLING at this
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Duck typos.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt