Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
50 shades of grey = my Liver
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.