interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
favorite tropes as memes
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing