[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.