PER MY LAST EMAIL
You Might Also Like
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
accurate
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing