Ken is short for chicken
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…