[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
i prefer mine room temperature.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”