I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]