Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.